After taking a CBT course several years ago I thought I had a handle on my depression forever. 

For a long time, I’ve been medication free and quite good at using my CBT strategies and pulling myself away from the edge of sadness — I just didn’t think I would ever fall this deep into the pit again; so, imagine my surprise finding myself where I am now. 

A few night ago, I had a dream that I killed myself it started with me following faeries when suddenly I was dead and found myself at peace and the small glimpses of my family were of them sad but understanding and also at peace…it seemed like I made the right decision for everyone.

The scariest part of this dream, was not the dream itself, it was my reaction to it when I woke up — a sense of normality, as though this was a viable solution and the idea that maybe…I mean WTF!?

This suicide option is not an option, I should not be ok with this dream, this should be terrifying, the dream should have scared the crap out of me or made me feel sad, not at peace and okay with this idea, my family would not be understanding, at peace or better off… I think it’s time to admit my CBT training isn’t helping and I need to get some professional help and perhaps an Rx to help me until I can get a grip on this (sorry bad faeries I’m not following you down that rabbit hole my family will not be your victim I am much stronger than you!).